The Lion, the Brit, and the Hufflepuff
by simply-dazzling001
Summary: Edward and Cedric are going on with their normal lives when a strange British man from 2029 appears and takes them through a vortex back to his own time. His name? Robert Pattinson. Full summary inside. Please read and review! Ch. 8 now up!
1. The Cloaked Stranger

**The Lion, the Brit, and the Hufflepuff: Edward, Cedric, and…**

Summary: Edward and Cedric are going on with their normal lives when a strange British man from 2029 appears and takes them through a vortex back to his own time. Their mission? Save the world. His name? Robert Pattinson. Featuring: 2029 Forks residents, Rob Pattinson's wife, _Harry Potter's Children and the Second Cousin Twice Removed's Wife's Nephew's Cousin's Father's Roommate's Healer of the Wizard Who Polished the Goblet of Fire_, the Cullens as a zoo exhibit, and Newton-Stanley Dust Factory #583. Yes, it is truly a crazy and hilarious adventure! Please read and review!

**Authors' Note: We don't own Twilight, Harry Potter, nor do we know this special guest star personally. Thanks fifty million to my awesome cousin, Nerdy Kid From Queens, who practically wrote this whole thing by herself. It's almost a shame that it's with MY penname, but that's what she gets for not having an account here! But I do! HURRAH! Well, I did help, of course! Anyway….on with the show! **

~One rainy day in Forks, Washington~

"Any aces?"

Jasper groaned and handed two over to Edward. Edward, beaming triumphantly, slapped them all down into a complete set. He smiled; he had one card left!

"Rose?"

Rose gulped, and looked at the five cards she still had left. "Alice, um, any…sixes?"

"Go fish," Alice said. Rose turned even paler as she stared at Edward, who was grinning at her evilly. She drew a card from the pack.

"Jasper, any eights?" Alice asked reluctantly.

"Go fish."

Emmett didn't want to look at Edward. He still had six cards in his hand. "Alice, any nines?"

"Go fish."

Oh, dear. It was Edward's turn. He smiled crookedly -pause to let fangirls faint- and scanned the room slowly to increase the suspense.

He had one card in his hand. If he figured out who had the three cards…

"EMMETT!" he said, slapping the table. Emmett gasped and leaped back. Edward grinned. Victory was his! "Emmett…any…!"

Suddenly, a vortex appeared behind him. A figure emerged. _ZAP! _In an instant Edward…and the figure…were gone.

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~One sunny day in Hogwarts~

"HUFFLEPUFFS NINETY! GRYFFINDORS NINETY!" Lee Jordan announced to the masses of screaming fans. "WHOEVER GETS THE SNITCH MAY STEAL THE GAME! WAIT- POTTER'S GOT THE SNITCH!"

Cedric Diggory shot the Gryffindor seeker, Harry Potter, a look. Harry was racing to get the Snitch…

Just then Cedric noticed a tiny glimpse of golden light: the Snitch!

He sped toward it until he was neck-and-neck with Harry. The two of them were reaching out for the Snitch…one hundred and fifty points to end the game…brooms ready for a victory march...

Suddenly, a vortex appeared behind him. A figure emerged. _ZAP! _In an instant Cedric…and the figure…were gone.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?"

"WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME?"

"I'll explain later," said a thick British accent.

Edward and Cedric gulped. Normally Edward would have beaten the man to a pulp with his vampire strength, and Cedric would have whipped his wand out on him, but the cloaked figure was on a strange-looking hover board. He also had an assortment of equally strange futuristic-looking technology as they raced through a blue wormhole, with stars spinning wildly around them.

"WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"I said later," the man said. Edward tried to read his thoughts, but the wormhole seemed to be interfering with his powers. The man looked human. Strange. He noticed that he was the same height and build as Edward himself, but couldn't tell any other physical features, as the cloak was covering him.

Cedric considered spells that could allow him to read the man's mind, but in this wormhole he figured it might be dangerous to escape. After all, since he didn't know how the wormhole worked, if he didn't go along with this mysterious stranger, he might end up in some dreary place, like, say, Washington, USA.

So they held on tightly, until suddenly the wormhole came to an end. The man leaped off his hover board and they followed. They had stopped in front of a Hybrid car with another man inside. They appeared to be in some city, but neither Cedric nor Edward could determine which.

Suddenly, Cedric and Edward noticed each other and screamed. "Who are _you?" _Apparently they hadn't noticed each other up to that point, as each time they talked, it was at the exact same time, almost as if it were practiced.

Then they turned to the mysterious figure. "Who are _you?"_

"Let me explain," said the man, turning to face them. He pulled down his hood and looked at them both very seriously. They guesstimated him to be in his early forties, with messy brown hair, chiseled jawbones, and deep, dark eyes that looked exhausted.

"My name is Robert Pattinson, and I need your help."

**Ooh, cliffhanger! What do you think so far? Anyone confused? If so, review and I'll explain next chapter! Also thanks to my awesome cousin, whose idea this was, and who actually read Harry Potter! **


	2. Ed, Ced, Meet Ted!

**Authors' Note: I know very, very little about RPattz, so please forgive me! Again, I do not own Twilight, Harry Potter, Indiana Jones (you'll see what we mean later!) or know this mysterious guest star…Robert Pattinson.**

"You see, I come from the year 2029," Rob explained. "There is someone from my time who is interfering with our parallel worlds and may disrupt life as we know it in the process. So, to stop this mysterious someone, I decided to find you, Mr. Edward Cullen, and you, Mr. Cedric Diggory, to help me to save the world! You are the only ones who can help me!"

"What?"

Rob pulled out a pair of car keys, and came over to a strange-looking automobile.

"Solar powered!" He explained. "Eco-friendly. Green. Theodore, come out and say hello to our new guests, Mr. Edward Cullen, vampire, and Mr. Cedric Diggory, wizard."

A young man around their own age, about 17, came out from the car. He had a striking resemblance to this strange Mr. Pattinson, and (though they didn't know it), Edward and Cedric.

"Hello Ed, hello Ced," the young man said. Unlike his father, he had a California accent. "I'm Ted."

"Hello, Ted," said Ed and Ced.

"Ed, Ced, Ted, come into the car with me," said Red-er, Rob.

"As you have probably already noticed," Rob explained, "due to the fragile nature of the space-time continuum, it is of the utmost importance that we make our way in a manner that will not interfere with the respective paradoxes of the fourth dimension. You see, our foe at hand is a-"

"What?" Edward and Cedric asked, confused.

Robert sighed, then said, "Basically, because time is-"

"Red light." Ted slammed his foot on the brakes and the car screeched to a stop. Robert apparently didn't notice and continued on rambling, but neither Edward nor Cedric could hear anything over the tires screeching.

"-again, with that matter cleared up, our foe is a dodgy man who is planning to-"

"Stop sign." Ted again took hold of the brakes, and screeched to another noisy stop that drowned out Rob's explanations.

"-and when that diabolical deed is done, our lives will be affected drastically! His name is-"

"I LOVE THIS SONG!!!" Ted turned the volume up and once again drowned out the crucial information Rob was giving.

"-and THAT is why I need your help," Rob finished once the song was over. "Well? How about it?"

Edward and Cedric stared blankly at Rob. The only thing they got from his instructions was that they were in trouble and they needed to help. Unfortunately, they were unsure how.

"Er-can you give us a moment to confer?" Edward asked.

Rob and Ted looked at each other. They shrugged in the exact same way, shrugging both shoulders the exact same height. They also scrunched up their foreheads the same way and turned back to them the same way. Clearly, Edward thought, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

"Sure, why not," Rob decided. "After all, this is a big decision!"

Edward and Cedric bent their heads a little away from the bizarrely identical father-son duo. "Well, what do you say…Diggory?"

"We _should _help them," said Cedric. "After all, it is the heroic thing to do."

Edward sighed. Leave it to a Hufflepuff to worry so much about the Greater Good. "But we don't even know what we'll be fighting _for! _For all we know, they could just need us to help them pay off their mortgage!" Then, struck with a sudden thought, Edward read Rob and Ted's minds.

Rob: _I don't know whether I should ask those kids to help, after all, it's too dangerous, and I really don't want to put my Teddy in danger-but I did explain EVERYTHING, and I said quite clearly on the gravity of the situation, so it should be their decision._

"He's sincere," Edward sighed. "Unfortunately, he isn't thinking about anything he explained."

Cedric looked confused. "You-can-"

"I have the power to read minds," Edward explained. So he decided to tune in on the boy, Theodore.

Ted: _Well, um, this is- exponentially quite dangerous, but I have to help my father. And really, the really funny thing is, I don't fear the danger so much as I doubt my own abilities. I'd hate to see myself fail in front of these complete strangers. Still, it's all for a noble cause. Besides, with the whole situation with Taylor-_

"Taylor?" Edward wondered aloud. This Ted was a seriously self-deprecating guy.

Robert and Ted turned pale. Finally, Robert said darkly, "_Taylor _is my other son. Teddy's older twin by five minutes."

"Mr. Pattinson," Cedric said, "where-is Taylor?" Such a decent guy. Edward read his mind: _Should I really intrude? After all, I would hate to bring back poor memories, I'd never want to hurt someone-_he was amazed. This kid was every bit as decent and good as Angela Weber.

Ted looked at his father, so Edward read both their minds. The same thing was in both their heads: a young man identical to Ted, arguing angrily with Robert, a figure in a fedora running out of a door-

Edward again read their minds, seeing there wasn't going to be anything else said on the subject.

Ted: _Poor Taylor-but he can take care of himself. I hope Mom is okay. She took it pretty hard, but it was Taylor's choice. They broke her heart, Dad and Taylor, fighting so much…_

Rob: _I loved him-I treated him just as well as I did Ted-why? _Suddenly, seeing Edward staring, he parked the car in front of a street and grabbed Ted, pulling his head close. He gave Edward a glare so furious he immediately tuned out of their heads.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-" Edward began apologizing, but Rob cut him off.

"No, it's all right, I suppose. You had to find out sooner or later. Come on, I'll show you what will happen to your futures if we don't intervene now."

"Where are we going?" Edward wanted to read his mind, but he realized this man would probably be on his guard.

"Forks, Washington, 2029."

**Cliffy! What did you think of this chapter? Also, from the existence of Rob's sons you've probably already realized he is married. *Ducks flaming torches from angry fangirls* No worries, this IS fiction, after all. We already have a name in mind (sorry, please forgive us, but it'll be funny!) but we do need a personality for her…any ideas? If so, please review or PM me. (Please, no 'wife he will leave for some nice fangirl like MOI!' Sorry, he's not leaving her! And she won't get killed.) Review, please! **


	3. Forks, 2029

**Author's Note: We don't own Twilight, Harry Potter, Forks, Washington, or a Hybrid. (Darn!) Enjoy! Don't worry-the Accursed One, Mrs. Pattinson, doesn't show up in this chapter yet, so you still have a few chapters to daydream before all your dreams are crushed brutally by a couple of crazy writers who have no sympathy whatsoever for Robsessed fangirls! (Just kidding-really! *Ducks more flaming torches*) You can enjoy this one! **

Edward gasped. "No-no-_noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_

Where the beloved Cullen family home had once stood-was-NO!-

He threw himself on the floor, his whole body twitching in absolute shock. "No-" he whispered, "no…"

**NEWTON-STANLEY DUST FACTORY** #583.

"I don't understand!" he cried. "Why-why would there be a _dust _factory anyway?"

He wanted to read either of the Pattinsons' minds, but he realized he was too numb to do so.

"No reason," said Rob. "Messica just needed a reason to destroy your house, I'm sorry to say."

"So why are there 583 of them?"

"Turns out, a lot of people are willing to buy dust," Ted said. "Messica got so rich, there wasn't a lot of money for the rest of us, and they needed whatever they could to eat."

"They ate _dust?" _Cedric sounded appalled.

"Of course not," said Rob. "They didn't eat the dust. They used it to lure worms into their backyard and eat _them. _You'll be amazed how desperate the people in Forks are now that Messica is in control."

"Worms eat dust?" said Cedric.

"They eat dirt, don't they?"

"Who is this 'Messica,' anyway?" Cedric asked. He was mildly more talkative than Edward initially believed, but the latter was still too paralyzed to notice this.

Cedric, on the other hand, noticed Edward writhing in pain, and taking pity on the kid whose house had just been knocked down to create a dust factory, he walked over and patted him on the back. He was so decent and kind. Edward wanted to gag.

Ted explained, "Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley. They married back in 2013. Our enemy managed to drive you out of your home and sell all your property to own a multibillion-dollar incorporation.

"Newton-Stanley Enterprises now owns:

Sausage and staple factories,

the world's largest ball of twine,

ceiling fan stores,

flea circuses,

pillow-making guidebooks,

the Boy Scouts of somewhere called "Gandurvia" south of Northeast Croatia,

a chain of bucket handle-themed amusement parks in South America called "Buckethandleland,"

a fashion company that produces a popular line of waffle-print cardigans,

this very strange huge company in Chicago that chops down trees and pollutes the air for seemingly no reason at all,

cue-card makers for general surgeons,

funded a worldwide competition that managed to set the world record for most times a person ever said the word "Asparagus" in their lifetime,

...and finally, the World's Biggest Shoe Closet."

Edward was disgusted, and managed to choke out, "How did useless things like _that _get them so successful?"

"Americans love useless things!" Robert pointed out. "You drink bottled water, after all. What's the difference between that stuff and tap water anyway?"

Ted, who apparently (just like his father-figures) didn't seem to notice the shift in conversation, added, "Newton-Stanley's next venture is to tear down Forks and have it turned into a parking lot for their many cars."

"WHAT?!?" Now Edward was frantic. "Wait-just how did they kick us out of our home?"

Ted and Rob exchanged glances.

"Mr. Cullen, sit down," he said.

"Sit down WHERE?" he cried. "We're in the middle of the street without a car!" He was so flustered his mind-reading abilities were all but fried.

"Well, then just remain standing," Rob sighed. "This may come as a shock to you. But our enemy revealed your vampire natures to the world. The Volturi tried to fight back at first, but Newton-Stanley Enterprises created this substance called 'Volturonite' that repelled their powers, and that of any other vampire. They then turned the whole city against your family and drove you out of town."

"Wait a minute! How did that happen?" Edward cried. "Wouldn't Alice have foreseen this and told us about it?"

Rob and Ted cocked their heads the same way-again-and finally Rob added, "Er, after Jessica Stanley finally managed to have one more pair of shoes than she did, your sister fell into a crippling depression-and went off to Italy."

Edward's eyes suddenly bulged, and his voice grew hoarse as he said, "Alice-she's-dead?"

"Of course not!" said Rob. "They brought her back."

"My family?"

"No, the workers at the zoo. Our enemies have captured your family, the Volturi, and all the other vampires of the world and turned them into a zoo exhibit."

**I'd go to that zoo! Just kidding…What did you think of this chapter? More chapters coming soon! Review, please! **


	4. A Trip to the Zoo

**Author's Note: We don't own Twilight. Thanks so much to everyone who reviewed! Enjoy!**

"_Our enemies have captured your family, the Volturi, and all the other vampires of the world and turned them into a zoo exhibit."_

Edward, who thought he was shocked before, was unimaginably more shocked than before at the present –er, future situation.

"My family-" he gasped. "They're in a _zoo_?"

Rob and Ted nodded grimly at the same time. "That Volturonite not only repelled the powers of vampires, but weakened them as well. They simply couldn't fight back."

"But, _why_?" Edward asked, desperate for answers. "Why on _Earth_ did Newton," he said the name disgustedly, "turn my home into a _dust_ factory? Why did the world allow them to become so painfully rich? Why did they turn my family into a _zoo _exhibit?" And with that Edward sank to the floor in disgust and anguish.

Cedric came over and patted him on the back sympathetically, but Edward no longer noticed. Rob cleared his throat and replied, "Because, well, for a number of things. Firstly, they found that the dust industry was quite profitable and simple for them. They had somehow created a new 'dust' fad and got extremely rich that way, along with those other useless things. They turned your family into a zoo exhibit, because, well, like I said, everyone had turned against the Cullens and other vampires as well. Our enemy is not fond of them, for whatever reason."

Edward sighed a heavy sigh. He felt suddenly exhausted, which was quite difficult to do. Suddenly, a thought hit him and he jolted upright, frantic.

Bella.

He jumped to his feet and the words spilled out quickly, "Bella, Bella, what happened to her? Is she alright? Where have they taken her?"

Rob took a step back and shook his head slowly. "Don't worry, she's still in Forks, and alive and well. She was devastated after you and your family were shipped to the zoo, of course, but she still visits daily, or at least, as often as she can. She knows you still love her," he added quietly.

Daggers to his heart. No one needed to mention what happened after Bella's dreadful 18th birthday party. It was a scar that Edward would carry forever.

"Can we please see her?" Edward asked quietly. "I need to make sure she's alright."

"Of course, of course," Rob said. "We'll have to drive to the zoo first, though. It's a bit farther north, what with all the parking lots and dust factories around."

Rob, Ted, Edward, and Cedric got into Rob's eco-friendly vehicle, and drove off, Edward staring glumly out the window.

About twenty minutes later, they had pulled into the newly built WONDERS OF THE WORLD ZOO parking lot. As they stepped out of the car, Edward had a sudden thought.

"Wait a minute," he said to Rob, "What if they see me wandering around? Aren't I supposed to be in the- the _exhibit_ with the rest of the family? Will they take me away?"

"Don't worry about that," Rob assured Edward. "It's quite complicated, but since Ted and I are technically from this future world, they will only be able to see and recognize us. You and the young lad, Cedric, don't yet exist in this world, so they won't recognize you. It'll be almost as if you're invisible to everyone. Even your family, Alice included, will not be able to recognize you. At the very most, they might find your facial features a bit familiar, but you are simply a stranger to them, I'm sorry to say."

"Alright," Edward said, swallowing. "I suppose it might be easier for us, then. Let's go."

And they went. Edward saw a couple of Forks High Alumni wandering around, but they merely looked right through him, as if he were a foreigner they'd never seen before.

After paying their entrance fees to the zoo, Edward, Cedric, Rob, and Ted consulted the zoo directory; the vampire exhibit was straight ahead. Apparently, it was the most popular attraction at the zoo.

Slowly, even slow for a human, Edward walked ahead, toward a sign that read "VAMPIRE EXHIBIT." He could not comprehend his surroundings; it was like a bad dream he was bound to never wake up from. He finally reached the exhibit.

It was a very deep pit, with a sturdy metal fence surrounding it. In the pit, Edward could see a couple of forest animals, most likely grizzly bear and deer put in for the vampires.

But those animals were long dead, their blood long gone. There were several thirsty-looking vampires in the exhibit; according to Rob, they only received an animal every six months. And worse; they were weakened by the Volturonite and were forced to be around humans every single day, tortured by their thirst. Aghast and horrified by the scene before him, Edward hardly noticed Cedric, Rob, and Ted coming up behind him.

He scanned the large exhibit; there were maybe 100 vampires in there, some he had never even seen before. He surveyed the depressing enclosure he was to be trapped in. There was not much, just thirsty vampires, cement floors, and dried-up animals. Then, he saw them.

The Cullens.

Carlisle, once a highly respected town doctor, was now a bloodthirsty mess, cringing at every human who walked by. He appeared to be holding his breath, so that the smells of the blood would not taunt him.

Esme, a kind and caring mother, now had eyes so dark they were black, appearing to sink in her head. She beat the walls in hopes of escape, but she was clearly weakened by the Volturonite.

Rosalie, a beautiful blonde, now had a messy rat's nest of hair, and, like the others, black, hungry eyes. She growled at the passing humans, cursed a couple of times, and tried to jump over the walls, but they were too high and her legs were too weak.

Emmett, a funny, brotherly figure was a complete monster, ramming the walls to try to get them to cave in so that he could escape and sink his teeth into one –or ten!– of the humans mocking his family.

Alice, a petite, fashion-conscious best-friend character clawed desperately at the walls of her enclosure. Occasionally, she would stare into space, most likely searching for an answer that would enable her family to escape in the future, but whenever she would come out of her visions she had the same look of despair on her face.

Jasper, oddly enough, was nowhere to be found, but Edward decided that it was perhaps better not to see his brother's sorry state, especially when he ordinarily had enough trouble sticking to their "vegetarian" diet.

Edward then had an almost out-of-body experience and saw himself, looking painfully depressed in a corner of the exhibit. Edward of 2029 snarled so harshly that even 2009 Edward was frightened at what he was to become. 2029 Edward leapt and growled at the zoo-goers, who mocked the "hideous creatures."

If vampires could faint, Edward certainly would have at that moment from the horror beyond horrors he witnessed. He desperately wanted to jump in and tell the family about Robert Pattinson, who was there to help them, but he would have been attacked.

Somehow, Edward managed to turn away from the exhibit and face Rob with haunted eyes. He could not speak at all, so instead, Rob tried to say something.

"So you see why we need your help," he said quietly. "Our world is very much in trouble."

**How was this chapter? Please review! He will see Bella in the next chapter, don't worry! :] **


	5. Vegetarians Aren't Mean People, or VAMP!

**Author's Note: We don't own Twilight, Harry Potter, or Swiffer. Thanks so much to our reviewers! Enjoy! **

Edward POV

"_Our world is very much in trouble."_

How had this all happened? A _dust_ fad was bad enough, but now….my family in a zoo, Mike and Jessica evil billionaires, Swiffer likely bankrupt, my Bella…wait, where's my Bella?

"Where's Bella?"

Mr. Pattinson cleared his throat uncomfortably.

"Well, er, after your family was captured, she was very much depressed but managed to join forces with others to rebel against the evils of Messica in an attempt to free your family."

"What others?" I asked.

"This way!" cried Ted, pointing towards a secret door hidden behind some shrubbery. It said in big bold letters: **DO NOT ENTER.**

They entered and found themselves in a long corridor. Mr. Pattinson answered, "This little group called VEGETARIANS AREN'T MEAN PEOPLE, or, VAMP. They tried their best to free your family, but failed. Bella was the head of this group."

"What happened?"

"Well…." Mr. Pattinson pointed down another hallway. "Ted and I can't go in, but you can. Simply walk down the hallway until you reach another door saying **DO NOT ENTER**. Enter, then you will see what's happened."

"Wait!" I cried. "What happens to Bella? Why does it say **DO NOT ENTER**? Why can't you go in?"

Mr. Pattinson looked around nervously as if there were spies in the room watching their every move and uttered one word.

"Fangirls."

"Wait, _what?_" I asked, very, very confused.

"THERE HE IS!" shouted a female voice.

"Egad! They've found me!" Mr. Pattinson shouted. "Hurry, Edward! Head down the hallway while I hold them off! Ted, Ced, stay here! This is something for Edward to face alone." And with that Mr. Pattinson was instantly swarmed by a large crowd of women.

"WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?!" he shouted. One fangirl, who seemed fairly sane, dug her way through the crowd and introduced herself.

"Hi! I'm Sydney!" she squealed. Unfortunately, several other women were clawing their way to Rob, and Sydney was quickly buried in the crowd.

"GO!" he shouted, and in seconds he was no longer visible.

I shot another glance at the massive crowd and turned to face the long hallway. Far away from me was a door with a **DO NOT ENTER** sign. I turned to Rob.

_Why does this always happen to me? At least Edward doesn't have to deal with this. Hopefully he'll be able to find Bella in VAMP headquarters. Hey! What happened to my jacket?_

At the sound of Bella's name, I quickly turned away from the steadily growing crowd and hurried down the hallway. In seconds, I reached the door and entered.

I found myself in what looked like a closet, with shelving on the top and sturdy wooden poles, presumably for hangers. But the contents of the closet were very unusual. Rather than clothing, there were picket signs and piles of poster board. I quickly read some of the signs. Things like "FREE THE VAMPS!" and "VEGETARIANS AREN'T MEAN PEOPLE!" screamed at me from inside the closet. This, I realized, must be VAMP headquarters.

I was about to open another door that led out of the closet when I heard something very, very disconcerting.

First, there was a loud BANG and I could tell that someone had kicked the door to the headquarters open. Next, I heard an unpleasant voice, which belonged to none other than Mike Newton. I looked through a crack in the door and saw Mike Newton of 2029, who was even more repulsive than high school Newton.

2029 Newton, for one thing, had grown rather chubby. He had also adopted a ridiculously ridiculous fashion sense, and even though I was not Alice – oh, poor Alice! – I could most certainly tell that Newton was not dressing of this era, but of several decades past. He wore an enormous yellow jacket to cover his enormous belly, bright orange trousers, and flashy white slippers. He looked like a walking candy corn. His hair was gelled down pompadour-style, his long tie was decorated with what looked like tiny Elvis Presleys, and to top it off, he wore giant bug-eyed sunglasses with bright red frames even though it was fifty degrees out and raining. But most troubling of all was not Mike's entrance, clothing, or the fact that he was, in fact, at VAMP headquarters. Most troubling was what he said to the courageous members of VAMP.

"Well, well, well. Isabella Swan. The little girl who thinks she can stop me from turning her beloved Edward into a very profitable zoo exhibit. Hah! Boy, am I glad you turned me down back in high school. Now I have a beautiful wife, and what do you know? The evils of the world are captured and in a fifty-foot pit. No need to thank me, but I do have something in mind for this little rebel group of yours. By the way, _where_ is the rest of your little rebel group?"

"You'll never find out!" shouted a beautiful voice; Bella's.

"I figured," said Newton coolly. "I suppose…I suppose we could arrange a compromise? You tell me who's part of this revolting VAMP, and I won't shave the hair off your little bloodsucker's head."

**Newton is truly evil in this FF. No worries, The Accursed Mrs. Pattinson will be coming around chapter 8! What did you think of this chapter? Please leave a review!**


	6. A Close Shave

**Author's Note: We don't own Twilight. Thanks again to all our reviewers! **

Edward POV

"_You tell me who's part of this revolting VAMP, and I won't shave the hair off your little bloodsucker's head."_

WHAT?!?!?

"You don't know where he is," Bella replied calmly. "Perhaps I gave him a counter-substance to Volturonite and he escaped."

"Or, perhaps I have him in a cage and is sitting in my limousine right this moment."

I heard Bella's heartbeat speed up. I wanted to jump out of the closet and strangle Newton right this moment. I never liked him anyway. But who knows – as Rob said – what would happen to the space-time continuum?

"Well, Isabella? Who. Is. VAMP?"

My beloved Bella swallowed frantically. Her breathing grew uneven and I realized what a terrible, terrible man Newton had turned into. Rob's world did need much help indeed. Finally, Bella spoke quietly.

"Angela Weber. Eric Yorkie. Seth Clearwater."

"There, you see? That wasn't so hard!" Mike laughed. Through the crack in the door, I saw Newton pull out a walkie-talkie and speak into it.

"Release the mind-reader to me and bring me Weber, Yorkie, and Clearwater. Oh, and don't forget the Volturonite."

"Oh, of _course, _Mikey-wikey!" said a feminine voice. I let out a low rumble from my chest. Jessica Stanley. Or, as she was now known, Jessica Newton.

Ironically, though wealth had caused Mike's waistline to increase in size, it had caused Jessica's to shrink down to nothing. She was, of course, the same tiny height as always, but now she was in this ridiculous pair of hot pink shoes with six-inch stiletto heels that made annoying click-clack noises every step she took. I knew Alice-poor Alice!-would kill for those shoes. They looked more like torture devices than footwear, but then again so was her dress.

It was this knee-length dress in a shade of hot neon pink so bright it made Mike's candy-corn suit look dim. It was low in the front, high in the back, and tight in the waist. Really tight. So tight that every now and then her face turned blue and she'd have to take a deep breath before turning back to normal. The rest of her outfit was equally expensive and shocking. She was wearing a leopard fur coat, chandelier earrings, and carrying a hot pink makeup purse.

As astounding as her wardrobe was, my chest rumbled even louder when I saw how…different she looked. She looked more or less the same, except older of course, to be fair. But her nose looked a little different than I remembered.

Her brown hair and lips were so puffy and shiny they could not have been that way from nature. Her face was covered in pancake makeup, including gold eyeliner and bright red lipstick. Her nails were bright red and several inches long. And of course, she'd never been _that _skinny…right?

"Anything for you, Mikey-Wikey," she cooed. Her voice had changed. It was now several octaves higher than that of the average dolphin. She giggled snootily. Gagged, bound, and flanked by an enormous bodyguard were three frightened but defiant-looking bodies.

I realized with shock I recognized them all. All three of them had VAMP buttons pinned to their raincoats. I was looking at the 2029 Angela Weber, Eric Yorkie, and Seth Clearwater.

"Thank goodness for Anti-Volturonite!" Jessica sighed. "This can stop werewolves so this mutt here can't get away!" Well, that answers that question.

"I'm sorry," Bella sobbed.

Bella.

After this ghastly trend in shocks, I'd been terrified of what Bella would look like. But I was amazed. She was still human, of course, but even now in her thirties she looked as beautiful as she'd ever been.

She did look very much like her mother, except her face was so determined and strong. I'd never seen her this way before. When she looked at the sneering Mike and Jessica, it was with sadness but strength.

Mike laughed. His laugh was the most obnoxious thing since werewolves. He turned to the bodyguard. "Take this mind-reader away and get me the blond!"

"Why?" Bella turned on him angrily. "Rosalie hates you now more than ever!"

"Oh, I'm not talking about her!" Mike cackled. A dreamy expression came briefly over him, but Jessica looked insanely jealous and began running her fingers through his hair. They giggled together. I felt a sudden need to get an exorcism.

Then I saw my own future self.

Physically, I looked exactly as I always did, with one major exception. I looked haunted, my eyes were black and I realized that Bella smelled exactly the same as she had when she was 18. Only this time I apparently didn't even have the distraction of mountain lion blood.

2029 Edward was snarling and trying to attack Bella. I was horrified at the fact that I was so thirsty –or would be so thirsty– as to forget about keeping Bella safe. For once, I was glad that Newton had restricted Edward, although it was his fault that we were in this miserable situation in the first place.

Around my 2029 body was a hideously tacky orange child's leash, decorated with mini-Elvis Presleys, like Newton's tie. For whatever reason, I could not break free of the leash, but as long as Bella was safe, I did not mind.

Newton had dragged 2029 me into VAMP headquarters –with hair on my head, thank goodness– for no particular reason, probably just to scare Bella. While he took 2029 me out to his limousine, the bodyguard returned with another leashed vampire.

Jasper.

Mike had returned and with a threatening sneer, said, "Now, for you meddling kids," even though they all were the same age as he, with the exception of Seth, "for your participation in this rebel group of yours, I am prepared to feed you to a very, _very_ thirsty vampire."

Jasper….he'd always had such trouble controlling his thirst before…so now….

I could bear it no longer. I ran out the door and didn't look back. I had to get away from this horrible place.

"Girls, really!" It was Rob. "I'm flattered! But I have a wife! I have children! I have nightmares about going outside!"

"ROB WE LOVE YOU!" screamed the fangirls.

They backed him off into a corner, screaming. Rob looked very frightened.

"Blimey, what the heck is that?" he suddenly cried, pointing out into the distance. They all turned around. He took advantage of the opportunity to dash on back over to Ted and Cedric. I joined them, shaken.

"That was close," Rob panted. He turned to me. Then his face fell. "Oh-I see you've-"

"I'll do whatever you need me to," I said quietly. "Just get me out of this place."

Cedric and Ted looked equally distressed. "Are you all right?" Cedric asked.

I didn't answer for a moment, still numb from the horror of it all. "Let's go."

**This was a very depressing chapter. What did you think? Please review! **


	7. Wiz Biz

**Author's Note: Neither of us own Twilight or Harry Potter. Thanks a million for the reviews! Props to my cousin, the Nerdy Kid From Queens for writing this chapter! **

Cedric POV

As Rob led Ed, Ted, and I down the road and away from the "zoo," or whatever that Muggle facility was, I couldn't help but feel terrible for poor Edward. He wasn't crying, but his whole body was trembling and his eyes were huge with shock. The poor bloke. To know the horrible things that await you must be awful!

I gently patted him on the arm. "It's all right," I said, trying to comfort him.

Rob noticed and walked on over. "Don't worry, Edward," he said sympathetically. "I know, I know…but if we succeed as planned, everything will change. Mike Newton will never have the information about your family. He will never turn all of Forks against you. He will never create Volturonite and imprison you in a zoo. None of this will ever happen." Edward nodded but still looked shaken. I tried to say something again, but this time Rob took me aside.

"No," he said simply. He looked at Edward again. "He needs to be alone for a while."

I nodded, understanding. But it felt so…wrong to leave him alone.

The rest of the walk was quite awkward. Edward was still speechless by whatever dreadful things he had seen about his family's future, Rob twitching and constantly looking over his shoulder for the crazy fangirls, and Ted nervously staring at everything as usual. I felt so guilty.

We passed a shop selling some strange Muggle appliances. I wasn't quite sure what they were, but they were mostly colored boxes and an assortment of screens with moving photos and various sounds coming out of them. For a moment I considered stopping to take a look at such odd things, but then I realized how insensitive that would be to poor Edward.

"Own it now on iViewer!" the screens proclaimed. "_Harry Potter's Children and the Second Cousin Twice Removed's Wife's Nephew's Cousin's Father's Roommate's Healer of the Wizard Who Polished the Goblet of Fire! _Now on iViewer! Buy it today!"

"Wait, what?" I stopped and turned to the screen.

There was a picture of a flat disc in a box decorated with a picture of two boys, one with glasses and messy brown hair and green eyes - he looked very much like Harry Potter - the other looking a little older than him and with fair resemblance, and a redheaded girl about two years younger than the first boy. The screen then cut to an image of a man with a lightning bolt-shaped scar and glasses and green eyes and messy hair in his late thirties or early forties - he looked remarkably like Harry Potter!

"James, Lily, Albus!" he said on the screen. Albus? As in Albus Dumbledore? And weren't Potter's parents named James and Lily? He was talking to the three children on the box….wait a minute; this man _was _Harry Potter!

Rob suddenly turned pale. "All right, let's all go back to the car now…"

"Wait a minute!" I turned to the screen. I had to hear this!

"I'm begging you! After what happened to Cedric…." said on-screen Harry.

"WHAT?!?" I started to panic a little now, but then I figured it very well could have been another Cedric…

"Oh, poor Diggory! He didn't deserve it! So young!"

"WHAT?!?" I started sweating and turned to Rob. "What happens to me in the future?"

"Er…" Rob cleared his throat and turned to Ted for help. Ted shrugged.

I began to scream. "What's going on? Why did you show Edward his fate but not mine?" I felt horrible, being so selfish, but I was really getting worried.

I couldn't wait any longer. I checked the screen. It read, **$45.95 - **some strange Muggle currency. I turned to Rob. "Do you have any currency on you?"

"Er, no…sorry, looks like we can't buy it!" he answered quickly.

"Then what's in his hand?" I asked, pointing at Ted.

Rob turned around. Ted was in front of some food shop with a wallet in his hand, purchasing what looked like meat.

"Hmm, lamb, my favorite!" he announced.

"Lamb!" Edward suddenly buried his face in his hands and began wailing.

"Can I borrow…er…forty-five…what are those?"

"Dollars?"

"Yes, those," I said. Dollars? I'd seen some Muggle currency before, but they didn't look like that in England. He handed me a piece of paper with a picture of a man that read **50. **I thanked him before frantically running into the shop.

"I'll buy that, er, Harry Potter's Children and the Second Cousin Once Removed's…"

"Here you go, son," the Muggle at the register said, handing me the box and a handful of coins. I thanked him and then ran out of the shop.

"Rob, do you have an iViewer?" I asked. Whatever that was.

Rob looked down at the white device in his hand that read iVIEWER before quickly stuffing it back into his pocket. "Er, no."

"I just saw it in your hand!" I politely asked him for the iViewer. When he denied it, I grew frustrated and handed him the box, asking him to put the disc inside.

"Er…oops, I accidentally dropped the iDisc out the window!" he said frantically.

"We're not in a car," I pointed out.

"Er…oops, I accidentally dropped it on the ground and I stepped on it! Sorry!" he chuckled weakly, stomping on the thin box.

"Hey, he paid for that with MY money!" Ted protested. Rob ignored him and continued his desperate attempts to change the subject.

"Uh, hey, look, there's Daniel Radcliffe!" he said, pointing out into the distance.

"I don't even know who the blazes that is!" I protested. "Please, I'm begging you, what happens to me in the future?" I grabbed the box back from under his foot and began desperately skimming the back for my name: _his father is worried, after what happened to Cedric Diggory all those years ago…._

"Hey Dad!" Ted cried, snatching the iDisc out of my hand. "Why don't you tell them how you met Mom!"

What kind of fate would be so horrible that he'd resort to _that_ for a distraction?

Suddenly a dreamy look came over Rob's face. "Yes, of course I'll tell you…" he said as we walked into his car. Ted groaned. This was rather awkward. Apparently, he wished he'd come up with a better distraction than that. "Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday…"

**Aww, poor Cedric. What did you think of this chapter? Please review! The story on how Rob met his wife comes in the next chapter! **


	8. How I Met Your Mother

**Author's Note: We don't own Twilight. So, so, so sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long! The Nerdy Kid From Queens was very insistent that we continue with this chapter, but I guess I had writer's block for a long while. Anyway, since I don't know how consistent I'll be in updating [I'm going to guess that it's not very consistent] I highly recommend subscribing for chapter alerts if you want to follow the story. But anyway, here's the much-awaited (and very long) chapter eight!**

Rob POV

"_Ah, I remember it as if it were yesterday…_

It started out as a normal day. I was out doing errands, when suddenly, I heard a shrill cry from behind me.

"OHMYROBERT!!! IT'S ROB PATTINSON! GET HIM!!!"

I turned and saw a mob of fangirls sprinting toward me. Egad! At first I tried running, but there were much too many of them, more so than usual, and they were able to quickly overtake me.

"I LOVE YOU!!"

"BITE ME!!"

"HERE'S MY NUMBER!!"

"SIGN MY T-SHIRT!!"

"SIGN MY SOCKS!!"

"SIGN MY ROB PATTINSON WAFFLE IRON!!"

_Waffle iron? _I thought, as a girl in a TEAM ROB shirt waved the kitchen appliance in my face. Why anyone wanted to eat waffles shaped like my head was far beyond me, more so than those RPattz Deluxe cookie-cutters I encountered in Milwaukee. I began running faster…

There seemed to be much more than a few insane teenage girls chasing me this time. I wondered why this was so, but then I realized that not only were screaming fangirls attacking me, but it seemed like their boyfriends had come along as well, for whatever reason.

I found myself in the middle of an enormous crowd of people screaming at me, clawing at the sleeves of my jacket. "People, please!!" I begged, but to no avail. Why on earth did this always happen to me? Why was it never, "Hey Rob, can I have an autograph?" instead of this all-too-common madness?

I was flattered the first couple of times, but honestly, this was getting out of hand! I tried to ward off the crowd again, "If you would please, just let me stand!" as I was shrinking toward the rapidly approaching sidewalk in an attempt to avoid these fans.

"Hey, you!" cried a bunch of big, burly men coming toward me. One of them suddenly ripped me out of the hands of the fangirls –how did he _do_ that?– and held me by the collar, lifting me off the ground. "So, _you're_ Rob Pattinson?" I nodded weakly, terrified. "_You're_ the guy who our girlfriends keep comparing us to and complaining that we're not perfect like YOU? So, we're not 'perfect enough,' huh? Not 'perfect' for our own girlfriends??"

So that was why these girls' boyfriends were here. Which is odd, because I don't ever recall trying to establish myself as perfect! What was this all about? "You're going to pay for that, Mr. Perfect Pants!"

"Wait- wait just a minute!" I cried out frantically, but was then set upon by the massive, angry boys.

I never thought I'd say this, but thank goodness those fangirls were there, or I would have really been in some serious trouble. When they realized that the men were about to tackle me, they screamed in absolute horror and formed a sort of wall against them, protecting me like packaging material. I was extremely grateful, but then I realized that the wall was formed mainly of girls trying to shove their phone numbers and email addresses in my jacket pockets. At least they cushioned me from their furious boyfriends.

Then, in the next instant, one of the angrier men, who was probably about 300 pounds, ran away from the crowd, ran back toward it, and _jumped_ on the mass of people surrounding me. Needless to say, we all collapsed in a heap and I could do nothing but cover my head and pray that this would be over soon.

Curled up in fetal position on the dirty sidewalk, I once again found myself hoping that one of them would suddenly realize something along the lines of, "Wait a minute! This is ridiculous! Why are we mobbing a fellow human being, even if he is amazingly, inhumanly handsome?" Yes, I have actually heard several girls describe me as inhumanly handsome. Some people are very odd. "Are we _that_ desperate for a mere glimpse of the back of his head?" I wished someone would say. "Is this not going to drive him mad? Come on guys, let's go home and rethink our lives!"

Unfortunately, none of them appeared to be thinking as clearly as I wanted. I soon found that someone had gotten the brilliant idea to untie my shoes and run away with the laces before anyone else could get to them. This was bad. There seemed to be hundreds of them, all closing in on me. I tried to crawl away, and actually managed to escape the crowd through a pocket in the swarm of people, but once I stood and tried to run, I tripped over my now lace-less shoes and as I fell, was once again swarmed by the immense crowd. The next thing I knew, I was out cold." I sighed dreamily as I remembered what happened next. Ted sighed uncomfortably next to me, but Edward and Cedric listened on with interest.

"Apparently, I had passed out on the sidewalk in shock at the fifty or so girls and angry men screaming in my eardrums and tearing at my jacket. Why did I wear such a nice jacket that day? I awoke to find myself nowhere near screaming fangirls. In fact, it was mostly quiet around me. Why was this?

Slowly, cautiously, my eyelids parted, and I saw myself staring into beautiful, soft hazel eyes. The owner of the eyes sighed in relief and leaned back, allowing me to get a good look at where I was. I was in a hospital room. It was clean, orderly, and empty of people, except for me, a nurse, and this other person who had apparently saved me from the raving insanity of a fangirl attack. With arms slightly sore from my unfortunate fangirl encounter, I pushed myself off the white hospital bed and sat up.

"'Crikey, mate, 'em Seppo sheilas really outta get off your ginger, your loaf was out time they hit the frog 'n' toad!' said a brunette girl with hazel eyes."

"What?" asked Edward and Cedric at the exact same time.

"Wow, pal, those American girls should stop following you, you were out cold by the time they left," Ted translated, then groaned.

I continued, "A bit drowsy from my experience, I shook my head and stared at her for a long while before asking, "Er, what happened?"

"Well, Mr. Pattinson," said an older nurse to the right of my bed, "it appears you had passed out due to shock of the swarm of girls on the sidewalk. Luckily, Patricia here managed to get them away from you and call the hospital."

I turned with newfound interest at Patricia, the girl who saved me. Suddenly, as I stared into her gorgeous eyes, I knew that very instant that she, this beautiful Pat, was the one." I sighed happily and stared into space for a while, thinking fondly of the moment that changed my life. I was aware of Ted groaning and burying his face into his hands. It's strange, but he always has this reaction whenever I retell this story to his friends. And teachers. And female acquaintances…

"Wait," said Cedric, interrupting my blissful thoughts, "your wife's name is Pat Pattinson?"

"No, Pat Robinson," I said, sighing with delight at the sound of her name. I continued my story dreamily.

"I'm Pat," she said in her beautiful, Australian accent. "Pat Robinson."

"I'm Rob," I said. "Rob Pattinson."

"Yes, I know," she said in her wonderful voice. She was so beautiful. Her unblemished tan face, her stunning brown hair that cascaded beautifully down her back, her soft red lips, and her intense hazel eyes staring into the depths of my very soul. We stayed there for what seemed like forever, mesmerized, gazing into each other's eyes. I couldn't believe that this beautiful woman could ever be interested in me." Ted groaned loudly and muttered something about waiting in the DVD shop. I went on.

"After a while, long after the nurse had left, I asked if I could take her to dinner. She looked surprised but extremely happy and replied, "Why, china, I'd love to. Just gimme a call on the Al Capone."

"What?" said Edward and Cedric.

"Call me," shouted Ted, who was walking away.

"So we went out that very night…It was a date I'll never, ever forget. I was planning to take her to a small, quiet restaurant just a few blocks away from my house. I had planned to meet her there at exactly 19:00. I had parked my car in the parking lot at 18:54, dressed in my finest tuxedo. Admittedly, it was a bit formal for a first date, but I _knew_ we already had some sort of special connection. I got out of my car and headed for the entrance of the restaurant when I heard what have come to be the most dreaded words ever: IT'S HIM.

Panicked, I realized that I was so love-struck that I had neglected to remember my issue with the fangirls! Poor Pat! How would she ever learn to love a man that was constantly being mobbed wherever he went?? I made a mad dash to the entrance of the restaurant, but was stopped immediately.

"Wait, please, I'm supposed to meet my date-" I began to explain. It was the wrong thing to say.

"YOU'RE HERE ON A DATE?!?!??!"

"BUT _WE'RE_ MEANT TO BE!!!!!"

"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?!?!?!"

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE _MY_ SOUL MATE!!!!"

"WE HAVE TO STOP HIM!"

"KIDNAP HIM!!!!!!"

Horrified that this had happened twice in one day, I was overtaken by about fifteen girls determined to be my soul mate. They pulled at my arms and tried to drag me away, and by sheer numbers they managed to get me as far as the parking lot when I saw the most beautiful sight to my eyes at that moment.

"PAT!!!" I screamed.

"ROB!!!" she screamed. She ran after me, which must have been quite difficult because she had opted to wear high-heels that night, not to mention a slim, turquoise dress.

Apparently the girls were crazy strong - turns out lifting 700-page books everywhere really built some muscle - and they managed to drag me into their car and drove off.

"PAT!!!!!!!!" But it was too late, and all I got was a glimpse of her beautiful face before the car took us away from each other….

"The next two days were a complete nightmare. They took me to the CLUB ROB basement. They wouldn't let me eat anything unless I signed all their Robert Pattinson merchandise - and they had a _lot _of Robert Pattinson merchandise - my arm still suddenly stops moving for no reason sometimes - and they ripped off pieces of my suit and tied me in a bedroom. I had lost all hope - forever doomed to spend the rest of my life signing staple removers in the shape of my face with fangs to remove the staples-when suddenly…she came."

"ROB!"

I looked up from my despair. I couldn't believe it. "Pat?"

"GET HER!" The fangirls attacked her, and to my wonder she began single-handedly taking them down. She then ran over to me and untied my legs and left hand.

"Rob, everything is going to be all right now," she breathed, her beautiful Australian voice music to my tired ears, "I promise," and we began crying into each others' arms.

"Well, apparently the whole Rob-Pattinson-is-kidnapped thing had received a significant amount of media attention, and the fangirls were even more crazed than before. I was forced to stay indoors nearly all the time now, and of course poor Pat's life was in mortal danger. We were reduced to communicating via secret letters and Web chats for a few years, and I was terrified I would never see her in person again. To this day, I still have every single one of her letters and chat videos. After a while, I realized I loved her more than life itself, when…"

"I celebrated my twenty-fifth birthday in town during a movie premiere, bombarded by screaming fangirls, when suddenly I became very depressed. Because of my fangirls, I would never see the one I love again without putting her in terrible danger…never see that wonderful, beautiful young woman who had captured my very soul....this was too much for me to handle and I ran away from the crowd, away from the paparazzi, away from the fangirls.

"I sought refuge in an abandoned grocery store. Apparently it had recently failed a health inspection. I was crying to myself when…" I sighed dreamily, recalling every word of that amazing conversation.

"Rob?"

I couldn't breathe. Quietly, I whispered, "Pat?"

After so long…I couldn't believe it! She ran into my arms and we held each other for a long, long, time."

"I love you," I whispered. "I love you with every fragment of my very soul with an arduous passion so arduously passionate it makes any other arduous passion seem like hardly an arduous passion at all compared to the arduous passion of our arduous passion. I-I can't live without you!"

"Crikey, I can't live without a bloke like you either, mate," she whispered back. "I don't give a dingo's kidneys anymore what those sheilas will do to me if I'm with you. I need you. Forever."

"Forever," I said, then, to her shock and mine, I bent down, and, grabbing two small cherries and bending them into a ring, asked her, "Will you marry me?"

Tears filled her gorgeous hazel eyes, and then she threw her arms around me. "Crikey, Robert, you romantic pommie, you…yes!"

"We married in a beautiful garden in London, heavily guarded with bodyguards, then had a glorious honeymoon in Fiji, where it was quiet and secluded. Ted was born shortly after…" I stopped. Then my eyes began to water. "Pat!" I just hoped she was all right…

**Aww…Lame love lines are the best! What did you think of Pat? No, we're not killing her off, sorry to the Robsessed! Please leave a review, and don't forget to subscribe to author alerts if you want to follow the rest of the story! **

**~ simply-dazzling001 ~**


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